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Global warming just a hoax – green printing no longer necessary

You can’t imagine how relieved your green printer is to learn that global warming was actually just a hoax perpetrated by a handful of agenda-driven, mad scientists intent on ruling the planet. We’ve been following the unfolding story of emails uncovered by the intrepid, fair-and-balanced reporters at FOX News. It’s hard to believe these “junk” scientists managed to pull off such a large-scale deception. But I have to tell you it’s a load off our shoulders.

I think everyone here is sick of that scratchy, 100% recycled toilet paper in the staff restrooms. Not to mention those stinking recycling bins cluttering up the loading dock. The company Toyota is cramped and I always felt intimidated on the highway. I’m really tired of tending that garden in the front.

For 23 years we’ve been laboring under the belief that green printing was important, that it was our duty to do our part. We used recycled papers, pushed our suppliers to develop low-VOC chemistry and soy inks, implemented comprehensive in-house recycling programs, offset our carbon emissions by supporting green energy, donated profits to environmental groups (THAT was a waste!)… The effort has been exhausting. Happily, we now know it’s just not necessary.

So, our new company vehicles are: a Hemi Charger, a Hummer and a Suburban. Our increased margins allowed us to buy them all new! These vinyl-based inks are strong, but they dry super-fast. We put a huge dumpster where the recycling bins used to be, and the scrap paper gets burned once a week in the parking lot.

But the coolest thing is we have a lot of awesome new choices for cheap, virgin-fiber paper. Most of it is sourced from rampant, unregulated logging in the rainforests of Indonesia and the developing world, so there’s no “fair labor” or regulatory cost to pass on to you. It’s easier to print on too, having never been through the repulping process. As our International Paper rep told us years ago, “old growth makes a fine sheet of paper!”

Yes, happy days are here again. Things are cheaper and easier now. Our profits are better than ever. And we finally have some soft toilet paper.

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